bummer warning.
I feel so stupid for thinking about this so much. Today I went to Lowe’s and got some big pots, potting soil, fertilizer, plants (vegetables and flowers), gloves for the boys and me, and something else to go with all that, but I canNOT remember what it was.
Here is the bad part: I used the gift cards my parents gave me for Christmas. See, before Christmas (imagine me crying as I type this – because I am - I can barely see the keyboard or the screen) my mom and dad came to College Station so my dad could look at this big open doorway in my scrap room. He was going to put in French doors for me. He’s amazing at stuff like that and he was sure it would look just like the builder had done it…actually, I’m sure it would have looked better. Anyway, he planned it all out, I got the cost information, and they gave me gift cards to Lowe’s so I could buy everything for the project and he’d do the work with Doug helping. I was planning to cook and make it fun while they did this project that I was so excited about. Without him doing the work, there’s NO WAY I could have had it done – the labor would have been too expensive.
We had to put it off a little because my grandmother broke her hip on Christmas Eve and had hip replacement surgery on Christmas or the day after. Since she left rehab, she’s been living with them, which is what my parents really wanted, but they have been pretty consumed with taking care of their own life and her house in Houston, etc.
Now he’s terminally ill.
I thought that if I went ahead and used the cards, it would somehow be easier for me than carrying them around, knowing he couldn’t do the doors – ever. How stupid, I guess I thought maybe I would just forget about those plans if I got rid of the cards.
But now I feel like I have just showed that I have given up on him. And that’s not true! But I feel just as bad – or worse – than I did before. When I thought ahead to the coming weeks and months, I just thought how horrible it would be to finally come to a place where it would be obvious that those plans we had made together were out of the question…so I just decided to eliminate the opportunity for that time to come. Stupid of me. It’s still going to happen, just without this one particular disappointment. Maybe I just feel like it would be easier to deal with it sooner rather than later. Our plans together, we didn’t have a whole lot of them, necessarily. But for some reason I have decided to put closure on this French door plan now. I guess it’s just how I am dealing with this whole situation, but I am so ashamed. WHY DO I FEEL SO WEAK?
Because I AM so weak.
And here’s the truth: I have not prayed about what I have just shared, at least not that I can remember, and not today for sure. No wonder I feel so horrible.
On the other hand, Cody and I had such fun planting things together and digging and watering. He loved "grinding" dirt, which is his word for mixing the new soil and fertilizer with the old dirt that was already in some of the containers. The back porch looks so much better, we have tomatoes, peppers, beans, sunflowers, squash, and pumpkins in our little container garden. I have pink impatiens in my red wagon in the shade by the back door and zinnias in a big metal bucket in the sun. I transplanted some ficuses that were unhappy in their pots and I’m hoping they will thrive. I love what Cody and I did together and how much pleasure it will bring our whole family this summer. I just wonder if I should have written a check instead of using the gift cards. It might not seem like a big deal, but it is just huge to me.
At least I am not crying anymore. It is so good to get all of these feelings down. I need to decide why I am feeling so guilty about this and get past it one way or another.
{On this mountain he will destroy
the shroud that enfolds all peoples,
the sheet that covers all nations;
he will swallow up death forever.
The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears
from all faces;
he will remove the disgrace of his people
from all the earth.
The LORD has spoken.
In that day they will say,
"Surely this is our God;
we trusted in him, and he saved us.
This is the LORD, we trusted in him;
let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."
Isaiah 25:7-9}
I think what you described is so, so, so normal. You are very connected to your feelings and facing what you feel. That’s tough, but so healthy!! I like that you used the cards on flowers and living, growing things. You’re right, they will bring you much pleasure this summer. I don’t know about you, but I find that working in my garden is theraputic! Pulling weeds and digging in the dirt, and tears mixed with sweat feel so good… Being weak is not bad. 2 Corinthians 12:9 ~ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Praying for you, sweet friend…
I could not have said it better than Shan. I am not good with words so I can not even begin to think of something good to say, but KNOW that I am praying for God’s grace, glory and power to be with you and your parents daily!!!
I can empathize with your pain…I am a nurse and I have always told patients and their families not to feel guilty about the decisions yo’ve made because you were making the best decision at the time with the information they have at the time…don’t know if that helps or even makes any sense…but please don’t feel bad about your feelings…feelings are neither right nor wrong…they’re just feelings…and they are real…this is what this blog is about, right? Sharing those feelings and letting us pray for you…and we/I will…know you are loved and hugged…have a blessed day!
Praying for you. Know that you are loved and you are not alone. The Heavenly Father has you in the palm of His hand. And He will not let you go.
I’m sure your Dad would not want you to feel guilty about buying the plants. Those gift cards gave you a very special day with a very special boy, and a gift you can enjoy all summer. You’re doing to best you can, making the best decisions you can.
{{Hugs}}
I do not think your decision was stupid, it was an attempt at avoiding hurt, quite normal. At a purely practical level, the gift of money that your parents gave you…you still have…in the form of the check/cash that you would have otherwise spent for your garden. I pray that you have let your Heavenly Father hold you and assure you that this was OK…no guilt needed. and, consider this…the gift of the day spent with your parents just grew–into a gift of a day enjoying God’s world with your boys–into a gift that will continue to grow and bless you through this time. I pray that you are trusting Him with your whole heart.
the garden ~ what a wonderful symbol, a place to work through it all, seasonal, growing, changing, hibernating… all good, stacey. i know it feels like an orchestra of emotion…xxxx
I can SO get that. The whole feeling guilty over something seemingly small – but actually huge. I don’t know how to explain that I get it but I do. And now, even if you would’ve returned those things and got gift cards again – it still wouldn’t have been the same because it wouldn’t have been THE gift cards you had before. Anyway, don’t know if it helps – but I get it.
hugs to you!
Misty
stacey, i haven’t had the words lately to say what it is that i want to say. but, know, that i understand your mental battle. i get it. praying for you. praying for your dad. praying your sunny days outnumber your gloomy days. i am so inspired by your choice to journal through your thoughts and feelings. inspired by you, just being REAL. honest. open. vulnerable. (((((((HUGS))))))).
Your new plants & flowers will bring you so much joy this summer so please allow them to do that and don’t give up on those french doors!
Stacey,
You are SO normal. Your feelings are just going to come…and none of them are wrong.
Love you,
Jennifer